Friendship Lost

I've decided to walk away from a friendship.

We'll certainly continue to be "friendly" and manage to get along when brought together at social events, but I've recognized a certain lack of respect from her. A number of off-hand remarks have begun to add up to a distinct pattern of behavior, and I've finally decided she isn't someone who can be trusted the way I need to trust my friends.
Friendships don't always work out; that's why a true friend is such a treasure. Pastor's wives, in particular, find it difficult to develop and maintain friendships. And I'm not being gender inclusive here for good reason: it is the centuries old traditional social position of "The Pastor's Wife" that causes this problem, and frankly, it doesn't apply to the Husband of the Minister. Guys have different issues than women when it comes to building relationships, but most of the following information, especially the research results, applies to everyone, male and female alike.

The following are some notes I've developed to provide some organized thought and discussion about finding friendships. I hope y'all will post your comment and opinions so we can learn from each other's experiences.

FRIENDSHIPS

Researchers have found that loneliness can influence both your emotional and physical health, possibly affecting your sleeping patterns, ability to fight off disease and even life expectancy. [loneliness = lack of friends]

Depression, anger, loneliness are emotions that suppress immunity and unbalance the nervous system .

Researchers are discovering that good friendships can help fight off feelings of depression, isolation, and despair, and can promote improved health.

Stanford University researchers found that terminally ill breast cancer patients participating in support groups lived twice as long from the time they entered the study as those who did not join a support group. As a result, researchers are concluding that people without a strong social network are emotionally vulnerable and can succumb more easily to illness and disease.

Cut Your Heart Attack Risk in Half with Simple Friendship

(Health-e Headlines™) Having a really close relationship with another person, whether it be friend, lover, or relative, can cut your risk of further heart attacks in half, suggests research in the medical journal Heart.

The research involved 600 patients, with an average age of 60, almost three quarters of whom were men. They were screened three to four days after having had a heart attack and were monitored for 12 months to assess their risk of further attacks or death.

Heart patients who had someone close in whom they could confide had half the risk of those without such a close friend, even after taking in account the severity of the heart attack and other risk factors.

The patients without a really close relationship were more likely to drink heavily, to use illegal drugs, and to have had at least one previous heart attack before admission.

Source: 1. Dickens CM et al. Lack of a close confidant, but not depression, predicts further cardiac events after myocardial infarction. Heart 2004;90:518-522. Available online at: http://heart.bmjjournals.com/ cgi/content/

Research shows that social support and interaction affect:

• How well people cope with stress in life.
• How happy and content people are, or depressed or lonely.
• The body's immune system and survivability when faced with crises or serious illness.
• It is even a predictor of how long people live.

he Good Health Practices study¹, some 6,000 people were studied for nine plus years. They discovered that those people who had poor social networks and support were two to three times more likely to die (2.3 times for men, 2.8 times for women) during the study than those persons with strong social support systems.

This is an amazing increase in mortality, not too different from smoking, or level of physical activity as predictors of longevity. Social support and interaction has a positive affect on both physical and mental health.

The actual indicators used in this study that were linked to a strong social network and longevity included these four social factors:

• Being married
• Frequent contact with family and close friend
• Active member of a church
• Active participation in a club or other social group

Similarly, a study in Sweden of 17,000 healthy men and women followed for six years revealed that those people who were most isolated and lonely (low social contact) had nearly four times the risk of dying during the study than those with strong social contact and support. Other studies show that people with strong social support are more likely to survive after surgery, a heart attack. or other serious illness.

Warning Signs of Toxic Friendships

• You are unable to "turn down" a friends' suggestions.
• CLERGY SPOUSE : unable to say “no” to “ministry opportunities.”
• You check with your "friend" before making even small decisions.
• CLERGY SPOUSE: consider what the deacons/elders or parishioners will think of even personal decisions, such as what you buy, do, or say, & what you wear, drive & say out loud to your kids & what your kids say!
• You lose your identity; cannot function apart from the "friend."
• CLERGY SPOUSE: no identity, friends or activities apart from the church!
• You blame your "friend" for poor choices instead of accepting responsibility.
• CLERGY SPOUSE: blames church for poor choices in food, lack of exercise or rest, cutting vacations short, no evenings at home, no family meals at home, constantly tired & sick.
• You keep a distance from anyone other than your "friend."
• CLERGY SPOUSE: avoids telling new acquaintances about being clergy spouse!
  

Three types of Toxic “Friendships”

1. The One-Way Relationship:

- Always either at their place or your place; no reciprocity

- One party won’t accept the other’s hospitality; food, drink, ride, etc.

or, won’t visit the other’s church, school, favorite park, store, etc.

or, won’t offer hospitality.

-One party is making a profit off the relationship

i.e. home party sales masquerade as friendship

or the focus of relationship is the store of one “friend.”

2. The Parasitic Relationship = needy party in control

- One party always needy, other always giving

needs $, stuff, borrower

constantly dumping problems, troubles, illnesses

grief, anger, frustration

- One party drained of energy, sucked of encouragement

- Friend is NOT a counselor

clergy spouse may be a de facto counselor, but must not confuse that with friendship

Beware the Martyr Trap

3. The Abusive Relationship: Strong Party in Control

One party is always the Role Model; powerful, wise, correct, critical

Puts down the other, tries to change the other; “I’m okay, you’re not okay”

Constantly controlling, giving message: “Be like me.”

Verbal abuse

Other party always weak, helpless, apologetic, grateful, sycophantic.

Must adapt to other’s expectations and demands

No mutuality; A Friend is neither a Boss nor a Parent

Defining signs of healthy friendships:

• Friends have some interests in common.
• Friends share an ongoing relationship, with periodic (although not necessarily regular) contact.
• Friends trust one another, at least to some extent, with information, money, safety, other relationships.
• Friends can say "no" to each other and still remain friends.
• Friends can see, and accept, the worst in each other.
• Friends rarely feel they "owe" each other anything; give and take is without obligation between them (perhaps with some limits!).
• Friendship is also characterized by understanding, communication, acceptance, lack of embarrassment, and trust.

Friendship is held within us, an attitude toward another person much like love, anger, or prejudice. It requires no regular outward expression. It requires merely a feeling of commitment to the relationship. Often such a feeling is supported by the belief that the other person cares about you, that the other values the relationship as well. If we believe that we are important to each other - important enough that we think of each other warmly now and again - we will likely remain friends, even if we don't see each other for years.

Sometimes you move away from a friend or they from you. That can put a strain on the relationship. With phones, E-mail, FAX, snail mail, videotapes, air travel, and much more you can always keep in touch if you want to.

Friendships are valuable and maintaining them takes effort and is usually worth the effort. If you choose not to maintain a long-distance friendship, the relationship may not have been strong enough to start with.

FRIENDSHIPS IN THE CHURCH FOR HEALTH

Duke University studied 4,000 people for four years and found that those who attended church weekly had a 28 percent lower mortality rate overall when compared to those who didn't belong to a church community. The researchers also considered income, education, chronic diseases, other illnesses, health habits, exercise, smoking, drinking, body fat, social participation, and psychological status. None of these factors explained the results. Church attendance was still an independent predictor and the strongest predictor of longevity.

Another five-year study of 2,025 people age 55 and older to determine what factors best predict longevity found similar results. Of all the lifestyle factors studied, "attending religious services" was the most significant factor. Community organizations provide an opportunity to assist other people, meet new friends, and become involved in worthwhile and meaningful projects.

Other research has determined that people who belong to social or community groups also enjoy a longer life. It seems that belonging to and actively participating in community groups provides a positive influence on health. . . .

Further Support

Dr. C. Everett Koop has written a book called, "The Healthy Mind Healthy Body Handbook," in the Time-Life Medical Series. The book quotes studies that show church attendees have lower blood pressure rates and only half the risk for heart attacks. And the book includes a list of other health benefits that active participation in a faith community can provide.

A sense of meaning and purpose A framework for setting priorities A way to place stresses and crises in perspective Comfort during illness or crisis Support for a healthy lifestyle

Opportunity for social contact A means of developing supportive relationships Reasons to help others A sense of being part of something larger than oneself

2. Who's Happy and Why? National Institute for Healthcare Research. Available online at: www.nihr.org/researchreports/whoshappy.html. Accessed June 27, 2001.

3. Myers DG. The Funds, Friends, and Faith of Happy People, American Psychologist, January 2000, Vol. 55, No. 1: 56-67.

THE CLERGY SPOUSE PARADOX:

why is it so difficult for Clergy Spouses to have friendships in their congregation?

1. Too many similarities with EMPLOYMENT situation:

Vulnerability: every church member = potential supervisor

Today’s choir member may be next year’s Chair of Personnel

Members are contributing to your financial situation; not a good basis for friendship

Reality: it IS your spouse’s employment situation

2. Role Model illusion: like it or not, The Pastor’s Wife regarded as Christian role model

(does not apply to men.)

3. Confidentiality issues: Does the Pastor share everything with the Pastor’s Spouse?

Friends need to be able BOTH to trust each other and set boundaries.

OTOH, it may become difficult NOT to inadvertently “share” the wrong information

Although cultivating quality friendships takes some effort, it's energy well invested. Here are some strategies to help maximize your relationships:

1. Make friendships a priority. Even though life is hectic and time limited, the first step in deepening friendships lies in assigning them top priority

2. Be selective. Choose people whose company is enjoyable, supportive, and affirming. Drop those who belittle, betray, or hurt you. Avoid becoming involved in toxic relationships. Hanging on to destructive friendships only adds another burden to living.

3. Keep communication lines open. Pick up the phone and call people you haven't heard from in a while. Take a few minutes to write a letter to someone you've been thinking about. Even in a busy world where people move around a lot, it's still possible to keep lines of communication open.

listen to each other. Hear the meaning, not just the words.

Be generous with praise. Master the art of affirmation. Train your eye to see positives in the people around you. Paul's words in Philippians apply here: "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable... think about such things" (Philippians 4:8, NIV).

Be cautious with criticism. "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6, NIV). Nothing will destroy a friendship faster than a barrage of criticism. Don't expect perfection. Never coerce someone to think the way you do. Before offering any criticism, follow this guideline: If it is painful and awkward for you to criticize a friend, your motive is probably pure and you're generally safe in speaking; however, if the criticism brings you the slightest pleasure, you would be wiser to say nothing.

Be able to share feelings with your friend with no holding back. You won't be rejected for what you feel or think.

4. Trust your friend - he or she will not gossip or tell your secrets. You can count on him or her to help you in a tight situation.

5. Have a 50/50 relationship - nobody is the boss. You don't worry about being right or getting your way.

6. Practice loyalty. An essential ingredient for any deep and abiding relationship is loyalty. People rich in friendships that span decades and cross generations know how to be loyal, weathering stormy times and staying close when one is experiencing difficulty.

7. Show your love in practical ways.

i.e.: parents of sick child… While many expressed concern and support, a neighbor one evening brought over some unbaked cookie dough. "I know you don't have time to make the dough," she said, "but you can still have the smell of freshly baked cookies in your house by putting this in the oven." Nothing will deepen a friendship more than a practical act of loving-kindness, especially during a hard time.

Be assertive when developing a friendship:

• Take the risks necessary to build an acquaintance into a friend.
• Allow yourself to be seen as you are by your friend.