When Death Isn't the Enemy

Some years back, at a previous church, one of our members phoned with the news that her mother had just passed away. "I'm so sorry," my husband said, with every ounce of compassion he could pour through the phone. "Yes, I understand . . . of course, I know it's very hard . . .don't worry, we'll take care of it."

Those were all the right things to say, and it was one of those times when I am very, very thankful that MDH is the pastor, not me. I would have had a hard time saying, "I'm so sorry, " and all those other gentle words, because, for Pete's sake, the Dear Deceased was 107 years old, and the daughter in her late 80s! My reaction was, "Holy cow, that must be a relief!" Perhaps not the best thing to say just then.

Whoever coined the phrase, "Honesty is the best policy," was probably not a pastor's wife. Through long years living with clergy, I've learned a thing or two, including the truth that at times, carefully stepping around honesty is the wiser policy. "Speaking the truth in love" definitely has its limits when death is involved.

I really stuck my foot in my mouth the other day. I caught the tail end of a conversation about somebody who had been in perfect health, then without warning dropped dead in his back yard of a heart attack. I blurted out, "Cool! That's a great way to go!" The others turned and stared at me, until someone said, "But he was only 42!"

Oops. Sorry. But given the choice of lingering painful illness or dropping in the back yard, honestly, which would any of us choose?

My honest response when someone dies over the age of 90? "That's fabulous! What shall I bring to the party?" Actually, that's often my reaction to a lot of deaths, especially when caused by the crueler infirmities. Maybe it's a side-effect of too much time spent in the Pauline Epistles, where the writer views death in bright rosy hues, as in Philippians 1:21ff: "For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain . . . my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better . . ." Doesn't it make you wonder if the Apostle was popular at grave side services?

Yes, I'm the first to admit that I am not always an asset to MDH's ministry, so when funerals pop up on the church schedule, I generally pop a headache and stay home.

Which is really a shame because I look pretty good in my little black dress.







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